


Seasons of Strong Alliances

by MusicOfYourSoul



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: A little bit of angst, Attempt at Humor, Brotp, F/M, Friendship, M/M, No Romance, feelings talk, just friends supporting friends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-29
Updated: 2017-01-24
Packaged: 2018-09-13 05:39:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,074
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9108934
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MusicOfYourSoul/pseuds/MusicOfYourSoul
Summary: In Autumn they almost got married, they lost their power and they became friends. In Winter they suffered and found each other again. In Spring they collected the broken pieces, and in Summer they found peace. By the time another Autumn came, they realised how not getting married was the best decision they ever took and how their friendship changed everything.





	1. Autumn

  


_ Another autumn wedding  _ she thinks. The last time her dress wasn't as elaborated as this one, the chapel wasn't as prettily decorated, her hair had been done in a simple braid instead of the complicated hairdo she is wearing, and there were definitely less flowers, but no amount of superfluousness could make her feel the same warmth as the crispy Lisbon sun the day John had said his vows.

  


She takes one last look in the mirror and tries not to think about how disappointed he would be. He would have been happy about her moving on, finding someone else to love and who loved her back, but this wasn't like that at all.

  


_ It's a good plan, a strong alliance _ she repeats like a mantra. She would get what she wanted and so would Alec. He was a good man; brave, caring, fiercely loyal. A rule follower just like her. They could do so much together. Sure, he will probably never love her romantically, but this has never been about that. They could get into an agreement whenever he was ready for it. They could make it work. 

  


“ _ Onde estão seus princípios, meu amor?”  _ She stops herself. John isn't here. And he wouldn't understand; he was too much of an idealist, he had the soul of a poet, he liked to whisper promises of impossible dreams in the early hours of morning. Maybe that's why she fell in love with him.

  


She shakes her head, puts on her brightest smile –it is, after all, a happy day– and takes a deep breath before walking to the aisle. 

  


She almost drops her façade when she sees Alec. There, with a stoic look and his golden suit he looks so old and so devastating young at the same time, like a kid wearing his father's clothes. Lydia has the sudden urge to hug him and tell him everything is going to be alright. She doesn't. She can't. Instead, she takes his hand and smiles at him reassuringly.  _ It's a good plan, a strong alliance. They're doing the right thing. They both want this. _

  


The door sounds like a thunder and she finally stops lying to herself. Magnus being there, asking Alec to be himself for once, risking to get his heart broken, dammit, risking to get in trouble with The Clave, makes her realize this was never about her. This is bigger than any power she or Alec could want.

  


So yes, of course she tells him to go, because he does deserve to be as happy as he can (she didn't actually think he was going to kiss the High Warlock of Brooklyn in the middle of a room full of Shadowhunters. Especially when 90% of those Shadowhunters had sticks on their asses).

  


She doesn't want to look too disappointed. She is truly happy for both of them, but once the rush of the moment is gone she knows it's over for her; she won't have an institute and there will never be another marriage for her, she can't afford another failed wedding if she wants to save whatever is left of her career. So she disappears as soon as she can, gets out of her dress and rehearses mentally what she will say in Idris. She doesn't even have time to register Hodge's face before everything goes black.

  


She has brief moments of consciousness; talking to Alec, Magnus making her drink a potion, the girl at the infirmary drawing another iratze. By the time she actually wakes up, it has been almost a whole day and all hell has broken loose. Or at least that's what Raj tells her when he visits, a little (very) stressed since he's been named acting Head of the Institute while they wait for the Clave because everyone else is being interrogated. 

  


Isabelle, Alec and Clary visit her as well, but only Isabelle stays for more than five minutes; she explains with more detail what happened with Hodge, Jace, Valentine and Jocelyn, she changes the subject when Lydia asks about her parents, and she leaves her a bunch of cookies wrapped on a napkin.

  


What she didn't expect was a visit from Magnus.

  


“I just wanted to check on you, the effect of the potion I gave you must have run off by now.” He moves less gracefully than usual, she notices. “You took a big hit, for a moment we thought you were…”  she coughs uncomfortable. That's not something she wants to think about.

  


“So” she tries to divert the conversation “how is Alec doing? He didn't say much except that they're making them a lot of questions.” 

  


Magnus’ expression hardens with sadness “We… haven’t talked much… or at all”

  


“What?! Why?” 

  


“I don't know… He changed his mind, apparently.” Lydia is shocked. Not even twenty four hours ago he had kissed Magnus like there was no tomorrow and he had looked so utterly happy that it seemed impossible that their relationship would end so quickly. “Still, what you did for him was extraordinary. Even if it's not with me, he deserves to be happy with himself… So, thank you. And I'm sorry for ruining your wedding.” 

  


Lydia laughs “there's nothing to be sorry about. He…” and as if he was summoned, Alec comes through the door.

  


“Hi… I didn't know you were…” she can feel his awkwardness in her own body. 

  


“I was already leaving, don't worry.” Magnus doesn't even look at him. “I'm glad to see you're better, Lydia. Drink the potion before going to sleep and tomorrow you should be good to get back on your feet.” He smiles politely at both of them before leaving. 

  


“Lydia I–”

  


“What the hell are you doing here?!” she interrupts.

  


“I wanted to see how you were doing…”

  


“No, what are you still doing here instead of going after him?”

  


“Oh. I–” he mumbles “I screwed up, Lydia.”

  


“Well, it’s not too late, you can still go after-”

  


“No, I meant at the wedding. I should’ve never had kissed him… I screwed things up for you and for my family and for him and I just–” he rambles rapidly.

  


“Whoa, slow down. Why don’t you sit with me and tell me what this is really about?” he gives her a confused look before he sits besides her on the mattress. “You know you didn't screw it up for me, I meant it when I told you I’m gonna be fine” she says looking him in the eye. “And quite honestly, screw your family” Alec chuckles “no, seriously. You should’ve seen yourself! I didn’t know you could smile that bright! I was sort of expecting you to start skipping. You really deserve to be happy, and Magnus makes you happy. So, why are you regretting it now?”

  


Alec stays silent for a second, she can see the doubt in his eyes. “He is immortal” he concludes.

  


“Yeah… I know. And so did you. That’s like Warlocks 101; lesson one they do magic, lesson two they are immortal.” She was about to suggest that maybe he was the one who took the hit on the head. 

  


“Yes, but it didn’t feel… real until after the wedding and–” he takes a breath and tries to calm himself down. “Say we start… dating or whatever. He will eventually have to watch me die. I can’t ask him to suffer that. It’s better this way.” 

  


“Oh, Alec. You sweet, noble, tall tree of life” what? She can blame it on the concussion and the potions “you’re an idiot.”

  


“Wha–”

  


“Don’t you think that Magnus is aware of that?” Alec is going to interrupt her but she’s having none of it. “Look, take it from me. After John died I was devastated, I suffered so much… And yet, if you ask me if I’d do it all over again, knowing he would die and I would suffer, I’d say yes without a second of thought. You know why? Because all the pain, all the tears were worth it if it meant I spent my life with him, even if it was for a short time. I’m sure Magnus feels the same” Alec doesn't say anything. “Listen, if you don’t want to be with him, that’s perfectly valid. But don’t deny yourself of doing something just because it may or may not get hard in the future. We’re at war! We don’t know what’s gonna happen tomorrow, so if something, someone, makes you happy, don’t let it go.” 

  


He seems to meditate her words for a moment “you’re right.”

  


“I usually am” she jokes. 

  


“Thank you, Lydia. And I’m sor…”

  


“Uh, uh. If you apologize one more time for the wedding, the next thing you say will be ‘Oh no, Lydia, my beautiful face! Why did you punch me?!’” he laughs heartily and it feels like a refreshing breeze. “Now, get out of here and go ask him out before I kick your ass. Don’t laugh, I will do it. No one will blame me” she mocks.

  


“Before I go… I know I have no right to ask anything from you but would you maybe consider staying here?”

  


The question takes her by surprise “I… There’s no much for me to do here anymore, the Clave…”

  


“There’s plenty for you to do here, and after what happened with Hodge no one trusts us. And… I need to help train Clary and I don’t have the patience for it and after Jace I really need someone in my team. An ally… A friend.”

  


Lydia laughs softly “friends? You know, we jumped straight into marriage, and we didn’t even had the time to be friends.”

  


“Yeah, we didn’t think about that. We don’t actually know too much about each other, don’t we?”

  


“Well, that can be easily fixed” she smiles and extends her hand. “Hello, my name is Lydia Charlotte Branwell, I’m 25, I like acid candy, strong coffee, piano music and old artifacts. My favorite color is red and I would like to be your friend.”

  


He laughs and shakes her hand  “nice to meet you. My name is Alec Gideon Lightwood, I’m 23, I also like strong coffee, cooking and books. My favorite color is green and I would very much like to be your friend.”

  
  



	2. Winter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After making the biggest mistake of his life, Alec seeks refugee in Idris, where he learns how to deal with a broken heart.

Idris feels colder than he remembers. It might be because everything is unfamiliar, because they’re in the middle of January, or because –as Izzy has been saying– he has a gray cloud on top of his head. 

 

He doesn’t even know how things got so messed up. Well, he does know. And it’s all his fault. He plays the moment on repeat in his head, he thinks about all the things he should’ve said, all the things he shouldn’t have done. But the damage was already done, he had lost Magnus. 

 

Three weeks. He had hold it up for three weeks in New York, but it had been too much, every little thing reminded him of Magnus; his perfect aim wasn’t perfect anymore because every time he touched his arrows he remembered they were technically Magnus’. He couldn’t cook because he felt the ghost of Magnus’ hands on his back, drawing the same patterns they did so many times before in his loft's kitchen. He couldn’t even use his bathroom’s shower because of the memories of that one time Magnus had snuck into the Institute after a mission and they had put to good use the remainings of his stamina rune. 

 

So, after twenty days of misery because of fanthom touches and memories, he had followed his sister’s advice and volunteered to go to Idris to help with the reconstruction of the city after the battle with Valentine. It was mostly supervising work and doing paperwork, not exactly an exciting job, but he hopes it will help to keep his mind busy. 

 

He has just started to take dust out of the furniture of his old family house when he hears a knock on the door. He barely has time to open the door before Lydia wraps him in a tight hug. “Why didn’t you tell me you were here?” 

 

He's quite surprised to see her; the last time he saw her they had just found Jace and everything was sort of chaotic. There were a few near-death experiences, a bunch of fights, a lot of tears and not nearly enough moments to deal with everything that was going on. He had been sad to see her go back to Idris, after all they had gone through and after finding in her someone who understood his way of thinking and acting. A friend. 

 

“I… forgot, I’m sorry” is easier than ‘sadness has numbed me and I’ve forgotten how to maintain human interactions’. 

 

“It’s okay, I figured. Now, let’s go. My couch isn’t the most comfortable thing, but–”

 

“Wait, what? I was thinking about just staying here…”

 

“Well, I don’t want to intrude, but that might not be the greatest idea... Look, I don’t know exactly what happened, but I can recognize a broken heart when I see it. And believe me, being here, all by yourself in this giant house with all these memories…” she doesn’t name his parents, but he knows that’s what she means. “It just won’t help you heal. You don’t need to talk to me if you don’t want to, but my place is warm and doesn’t have spiderwebs. And I have coffee cake and old whiskey, your favorites.” Alec knows she’s right, also the house feels ice cold, and he could really use a drink.

 

Lydia’s apartment is tiny to say the least. He supposes she doesn’t need much more; one bedroom with a desk, a bathroom, a small kitchen with a breakfast bar, and a couch that is probably comfortable for sleeping for someone of her size (which is not much, because she’s basically pocket sized). Alec feels like if he moves too much he might accidentally break everything. 

 

She hands him a glass of whiskey and they sit in silence. He’s really not in the mood for talking, and just as she promised, she doesn’t pressure him into doing so. Instead, she fills the silence with cake and stories of work in Idris. She tells him about how she’s been reading her old great grandfather’s diaries and how she has been making a TV work perfectly with only witchlight power, which is honestly very impressive, but he feels too tired to express his admiration correctly. Lydia doesn’t take offense and just sets up the couch for him. 

 

The next days pass in a similar manner; he goes to work, they meet in the afternoon, they eat dinner together, Lydia tells him about her day extensively and he tells her a little about his. She doesn’t ask for more. The couch got uncomfortable after the second day. 

 

It’s the fourth day when he finally tells her about New York. He doesn’t talk about  _ him _ , but he tells her about Izzy and Jace and Clary. Everything seems okay until he starts telling her a story that involves Simon and everything goes to hell. He shuts up and she hugs him. He registers her saying that it wasn’t his fault, but it doesn’t help too much, to be honest. He doesn’t sleep that night. The next morning he draws an iratze right on his heart.

 

After a week, she doesn’t set up the couch and tells him to get in bed with her. 

 

“Not like that, you idiot! But your back must be killing you. And the bed is big enough for the both of us. I can get another couch, but in the meanwhile you need to sleep decently.” Before he can reply that he doesn’t want to be a bother and that sleep is for the weak anyway, she has already dragged him under the covers. They fit comfortably and the soft mattress is a very welcomed improvement. He sleeps in and by the time he wakes up Lydia informs him that she took the liberty of asking the day off for both of them. They enjoy doing nothing for the day; they watch a movie about cats, they have a pushups contest and Alec cooks for the first time in a month. No ghost touches. He counts that as a win. 

 

It takes another whole week and half of the whiskey bottle to finally answer the question Lydia has been too polite to ask. “We encountered with Camille. Like always, she played with our heads. She told me how she could see I was scared of getting old while Magnus remained young and immortal. She offered to make me immortal, like them.  _ Like him _ . She said her only price was to have Raphael dead. And then she escaped... So I started to think about it” Lydia looks at him with exorbitant eyes “not her actual offer. I thought that if I made her believe that I wanted to make a deal with her I could trick her and catch her once and for all. So I arranged a meeting with her, but obviously the conditions had changed. She offered me to–” he takes a big sip of his drink, hoping it makes the guilt go away. It doesn’t. “To take away Magnus’ immortality…”

 

“Oh, Alec… Please tell me you didn’t.”

 

“I… I never actually wanted to do it. You have to believe me. I could’ve never done something like that to him, even less without him consenting it. But I really needed to set a trap for her. So I agreed to her terms and prayed for Magnus to never find out about it.”

 

“But why didn’t you tell him? He would’ve understood…”

 

“I just… I wanted to protect him from Camille. You know they had… history. And she really hurt him. Every time he saw her it just left him wrecked. I didn’t want to involve him.” He drinks again and again and again until his glass is empty. “It backfired the shit out of me. She told him about our deal, and– by the Angel, I can't even imagine how that must have looked for him. There I was, with his friend's body, making a deal with the woman who broke his heart, to take away his immortality.”

 

“Did you… Raphael…?”

 

“He wasn't actually dead. I had talked to him, we had a plan. By the time Camille noticed we deceived her I should have already arrested her. But seeing Magnus there… By the time I reacted she had already attacked him. I shot her but it was too late. I never meant for him to–” he chokes on air. 

 

“Alec” Lydia says softly “it wasn’t your fault. Magnus–”

 

“He will never forgive me. And you know what? I don’t blame him.” He doesn’t want to cry, he really doesn’t, but he’s too tired and too drunk to care. Lydia holds him and he feels sort of ridiculous because she’s tiny in comparison to him, but she doesn’t let go and for a brief moment that might be the first in many many months, he allows himself to stop hiding his feelings. “How will I ever stop feeling like this?” it is a childish thing to ask, he knows.

 

“You will, I promise.”

 

“How do you know?”

 

“I’ve been there, remember?” she gives him a sad smile.

 

‘I’m sorry’ is what he wants to say, “that’s different” is what he says instead.

 

“It’s not that different.” She sits face to face to him and softly points at his chest “let me guess, the iratze didn’t do shit”. 

 

“How do you…”

 

“I saw it the other day when you got out of the shower. And…” she unbuttons her blouse just enough to show the same rune, although more faded, on her own heart. “Heartbreak is heartbreak, Alec. You will get over it, but first you need to cry, and drink, and hate the world, but most importantly, learn to find happiness again; work, laugh at yourself a little bit, sleep with someone, enjoy the little things.”  

 

He nods slowly “yeah, I guess you’re right.”

 

“I told you, I usually am” she smiles at him. “Listen to me, you made a mistake. Yes. But that doesn’t make you a bad person. Magnus will realize that eventually. And if he doesn’t, you say the word and I will beat him senseless with a baseball bat.”

 

“Awww.” They laugh wholeheartedly and Alec feels like things might actually get better.

 

If that night they sleep closer than every other night, Lydia doesn’t mention it.

 

Things do get better. He follows Lydia’s advice and starts to appreciate the happy moments he gets; he pretends to skate in the icy streets when they’re slippery, he makes funny faces to the Portmency twins that follow him around (or more accurately try to follow him, because their tiny baby feet can’t do much, but it’s always adorable to see how determined they are), he even starts to not ignore when one of his coworkers flirts with him. Sometimes Lydia puts music on and forces him to sing or dance with her, even though both of them were born with two left feet and sound like a couple of cats trapped in a lawnmower. 

 

There are bad days, of course. Days where he just wants to curl in a ball and stay there for all eternity. 

 

Lydia seems to understand when he needs to be left alone with his grey cloud, and yet she never looks at him with pity. Alec is very thankful for that. (He’s also very thankful for her not judging him after he arrives to the apartment after midnight with very obvious signs of what he was doing. Although she does laugh at him when he tells her he forgot the guy’s name and called him ‘Magnus’ in the middle of the whole act).

 

“Tell me about John” he says one stormy night while they’re in bed. Lydia looks so shocked he’s afraid he might have screwed it up “I mean– if you want to. It’s just… You’ve helped me so much to open up and I thought that maybe you’d like to talk about him… I know it’s been a while, but if you loved him he must have been a pretty special guy.”

 

“He was” she smiles. “He was… too good. He had such a gentle soul. He treated everyone with respect, not only shadowhunters, but downworlders and mundanes as well, he said that even if they were different from us we all lived in the same earth, and we were all made of flesh and blood and soul. He called every single animal he ever encountered ‘buddy’, dogs, cats, birds, wild foxes… One time a horse kicked him because he startled it because he wanted to pet it. He almost broke his ribs but he still called the damn horse ‘buddy’. He liked to go to mundane protests about global warming– which is honestly still bizarre to me because we worry about protecting the world from demons but never think about the world destroying itself. He was a good fighter and a good leader. He liked to paint although to be honest, he wasn’t too good at it. He had the weirdest sense of humor, like he was simultaneously a ten year old and an old man… how did Clary call it? Dad jokes!”

 

Alec chuckles “like Luke?” 

 

“Exactly like Luke! ‘Luke, we’re tired’ ‘hi Tired, I’m Luke’” 

 

“‘Luke, you got a haircut’ ‘no, I got them all cut’” they laugh remembering the werewolf.

 

“Every time we had Chinese food, John said his fortune cookie said ‘help me! I’m trapped in a fortune cookies factory!’ Every. Single. Time. Drove me crazy.” She shakes her head but never loses her smile. 

 

“He does sound like a good man.”

 

“Yeah… I used to wonder how we even got together in the first place. We were so different. One day I asked him and he said that our differences were what made us perfect for each other because we created balance. He was right. We made each other better. He helped me to be more confident, less afraid of making decisions, less afraid of dreaming big, much more caring… He made me start living for myself. And he–” she starts to choke up a little bit so Alec takes her hands to offer some comfort. “He used to call me his muse. When we met he wanted to leave the Shadow World, he felt like he was only a shadowhunter because that was the only thing he had been taught to be. He said I made him believe we were fighting for something that was worth it, that we were making the world better, creating a– a future. For us. For our children…” she tries to hide the tears that escape her eyes. 

 

“Hey, it’s okay…” he hugs her tight and she lets herself cry on his shoulder. 

 

“You know, the pain eventually became this selfish sadness of not being able to share my days with him anymore. With his loss I also lost my lifeplan, all the things we had drawn for our future were empty. But… even if I don’t know for sure what’s after life, I like to think he must be enjoying all the things we sowed in our lives. And  I have all these precious memories of our adventures together” she whispers with puffy eyes but a firm voice. 

 

Alec pets her hair in a soothing way, similar as he did when Izzy had nightmares as a child. “Would you like to tell me some of them?” he asks once Lydia’s breathing seem calm again.

 

She nods softly “well, for starters we literally ran away from our duties to get married…”

 

“Wait, you eloped?” Alec laughs.

 

“We were young and in love, okay?” she giggles. “We didn’t do it in the end, but that was the plan. We met in London, we had the same tutor and I had this huge crush on him…”

 

“Wow, that’s so embarrassing” he teases her.

 

“Oh, shut it. If you had seen him with his perfect hair and his cute accent you’d had a crush on him too. The thing is, my ‘people skills’ aren’t the best so I didn’t know how to act around him like at all. I’d stare at him thinking ‘look at this asshole being beautiful. No one should be allowed to be that beautiful. Oh great, he’s training and getting sweaty. Fuck him.’ So obviously he thought I hated him for like two weeks until we got assigned together in a mission and I saved him from a shax demon. We started talking after that and the next day he took me out to a picnic in a park and a few days from that I caught myself sneaking into his bedroom.”

 

“Scandalous.”

 

“Right? It was so weird for me, but I felt this… pulling to him. I was supposed to go to Sydney after, to meet the fiance my father had chosen for me, but when he asked me to come with him back to Lisbon I didn’t even think about it. Of course once we got there we realized it was crazy to get married to someone you really barely know –no offense to us– so we waited for almost a year to actually get married.”

 

“That’s a great adventure… Thank you for telling me.”

 

“Thank you for asking– I don’t think anyone has ever asked me about him… I’m just the poor girl with the dead husband.”

 

“Well, not for me. You can tell me about him every time you want, alright?” she hugs him as a response and just like that they fall asleep. Alec thinks that maybe she needs him as much as he needs her.

 

The next morning it only feels natural to kiss her forehead. 

 

More than a month has passed when he realizes they have created a routine; wake up early, exercise, whoever wins whatever competition they got that morning gets to shower first while the other makes breakfast (with very dark coffee as both of them like it), they eat together after they both have showered, go to work –they don’t have lunch together because that would be a little too much, but they pay each other visits occasionally to bring coffee or candy–, they take turns to cook dinner, they gossip in bed before saying goodnight. They always take the same day off so they can do laundry, drink wine and watch a movie (although they agree on not doing it at the same time after the memorable The Bridges of Madison County movie night, where they both ended up crying hysterically while screaming at the TV ‘why?!’, ‘go with him!’ and ‘the husband’s overall is so ugly!’). They fight because Alec leaves wet towels in the bedroom and because Lydia sheds hair everywhere. She never got a new couch. 

 

It’s so easy, almost too much. They live in their quiet bubble until the bubble explodes with a fire message.  _ “Valentine attacked. They got hostages. They got Magnus.”  _

 

He honestly doesn’t recall how he gets to the portal, he only remembers Lydia holding his hand and telling him everything was gonna be okay. He didn’t realized she had packed for both of them until they’re back in New York. 

 

Izzy embraces him in a tight hug and Jace pats his back in his usual brotherly fashion, and although he missed his siblings and he’s very happy to see them, his mind is in sort of autopilot: find Magnus, save Magnus.

 

He would like to say nothing had changed in the time he was gone, but the truth is that even if he knows he was missed, things have accommodated to his absence, so it’s not like he can just start giving orders all over the place. Which to his displeasure means he has to sit through meetings and strategic discussions while feeling like his skin needs to crawl out of him. He needs to remind himself the mission isn’t only about Magnus.

 

The days pass in a torturing pace, the last signs of winter long gone and the memories of his and Lydia’s peaceful life look more and more like an hallucination and less like memories every day he spends not sleeping. The feeling of déjà-vu is overwhelming, he remembers all those weeks with Jace missing and thinks that at least that time Magnus was there by his side, giving him reasons to keep fighting, making him happy when it seemed impossible to find happiness anymore, and at the end it had been him the one who gave them the key to find his parabatai. Now he feels even more hopeless than ever.

 

They find Valentine’s base of operations almost two weeks later, on the first day of April, and if he thought those weeks had passed slowly, it was nothing compared to the punishing hours before the attack. 

 

He paces all over the Institute, making sure everything and everyone is ready. They are. He checked. Five times. There’s still a whole hour left before the strategically settled time to leave to the fight. He might go insane.

 

His own feet betray him, he realizes when he finds himself inside the chapel. It looks so simple and dusty and not at all like when he kissed Magnus for the first time. He sits on the floor in front of the altar and tries not to think about when he had kissed Magnus for the last time.

 

“Feels like it was an eternity ago, doesn’t it?” he doesn’t bother looking up, he knows she doesn’t need an answer. Lydia sits next to him and rest her head in his shoulder. “Aren’t you glad we didn’t do it?” 

 

“Well, I don’t know… You and I? We could’ve ruled the world” he jokes.

 

“True. But honestly you’re not my type…” Alec pretends to be offended. “Look, your homemade fudge might be the most amazing thing in the planet and our babies would have been beautiful, but you’re disgustingly tall. Also you’re gay.”

 

“What?! Why didn’t you tell me before?!” They allow themselves to laugh and forget for a little while. 

 

“He’s gonna be fine” she says when the silence makes them come back to reality.

 

“I know.”

 

“How about you? Are you gonna be okay?”

 

“I don’t know” he sighs.

 

“Well… if after this you’re still not sure, you will always have a place with me” she smiles softly at him and stands up, ready to go.

 

“Lydia?” he has never been good with words so he hugs her tight, trying to express all he’s feeling like that “thank you. For everything you’ve done for me… I– I don’t know how to thank you enough.”

 

“You don’t have to thank me. That’s what friends are for, right? And besides, I enjoyed having you around. It was really nice to have someone to talk to and to cry while watching stupid movies. You might have noticed that because of my work I don't have many friends… I'm really glad I have you.”

 

They stay like that for a moment, Alec can see people passing by and looking at them, but in the time they have been staying at the Institute everyone got sort of used to the change of their relationship, to the fact they know by heart how the other takes their coffee, to the soft touches when the other seems anxious or distracted, to the jokes that only make sense for them. “You are a wonderful friend, Lydia Branwell…”

 

He can feel her smile pressed on his chest “You're a wonderful friend, Alec Lightwood.” He deposits one last kiss on top of her hair and they both get ready for battle.

 

While they fight against Valentine’s men he can feel Jace as part of himself, their movements always coordinated, he hears the characteristic sound of Izzy’s whip, he sees the gust that is Clary’s hair, but he cannot see any signs of Lydia anywhere. His blood feels cold.  _ Not her, please. Not her _ .

 

He doesn’t know for how long they fight, but it seems to never end. “Jonathan. Clarissa. How nice you pay a visit. And with all your friends. I see you haven’t learned the lesson. You can’t defeat me.” Valentine stands proudly in the middle of the chaos. He’s aiming his arrow to his head when he feels something pulling him through a door and a hand covering his mouth.

 

“Shhhh. The prisoners are down there.” 

 

“Holy shit, Lydia!” 

 

“Shhhh. I took care of the guards I found but more might come.” 

 

They descend a staircase into what it can only be described as a dungeon. The only light is the one that the own cell bars provide, Alec recognizes the material. It’s used to trap magic. There’s at least thirty people locked inside. He can see seelies and warlocks and probably vampires and werewolves too, even a couple of people bearing runes. They all look so terrified it breaks Alec’s heart.

 

“Don’t worry, we’re getting you out of here. Okay?”

 

“Alexander?” he has never been happier of hearing his own name, even if his voice sounds so broken. 

 

“Magnus!” his cat eyes look hollow, but he’s here. He’s alive. 

 

“Alright, I know you’re scared but you can trust us. Now I need everyone to stay calm.” Lydia speaks with her ‘commander voice’ while she opens the cells. “Alec, I need you to…” 

 

He doesn't hear the rest because all he can feel now are Magnus’ arms around him. “Please be real”. 

 

“I am” he caress his face softly. “You're safe, I promise.” 

 

He's so caught up in Magnus he doesn't notice one of the imprisoned shadowhunters taking Lydia's hand. “Meu amor?” His voice is barely a rough whisper. 

  
Her faces loses all color and her hands start to shake. “John?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Shadowhunters Season Day!!!  
> I hope you guy enjoyed this chapter!  
> Kudos and comments are well received!


	3. Spring

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She's not sure what is she supposed to tell Alec. "My life is sort of falling apart and I was hoping you'd tell me what to do"?   
> Nevertheless Alec seems to understand her and have the exact words she needs to hear.

The blossomed cherry tree outside the window. The shower. The towels. The chipped floor tile. The toilet.  _ Five things she can see. _

 

The doorknob. The wall. Toilet paper. The edge of the sink.  _ Four things she can touch. _

 

The wind moving the trees. Her own breathing. Water running.  _ Three things she can hear. _

 

Bleach. Flowery perfume.  _ Two things she can smell. _

 

Salty tears.  _ One thing she can taste.  _

 

Her breathing seems to have calmed down a bit. Still, she doesn’t move from the floor even if her whole body is shaking (although at this point she doesn’t know if it’s the cold or the panic attack). 

 

She leans her back into the door and takes another deep breath. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven. One, two, three, four, five. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. She does it four or five more times.

 

She finally gets up and splashes her face with cold water. She tells herself she can’t cry anymore. Not right now.

 

But all her conviction falls to the ground when she sees John sleeping peacefully on the bed. Her heart starts to race again and tears threaten to come out again. 

 

The clock marks 4:47 and she makes a decision. She can’t keep going on like this. She writes a note for John and doesn’t bother on changing her pajamas for actual clothes, she just grabs her coat and shoes and leaves. 

 

The streets are empty as expected, so she makes her way to the Gard in cold silence. 

 

“Miss Branwell? Are you okay? What are you doing here?” one of the guards –Fred? Ferdinand?– asks in a demanding tone.

 

“I must go to New York. Now.” The hardness of her voice surprises her.

 

“Is there an emergency? The Clave must be informed if...”

 

“I am the Clave and I need to go to New York. Do you think I’d be here in the middle of the night if it wasn’t an emergency? Now, let me go.” She knows she should probably be more polite to the poor man who is only doing his job, but her brain is not properly working at the moment.

 

“I’m afraid we can’t let you go without authorization.”

 

“Please!” she’s so agitated she doesn’t even notice how her voice is a bit too loud. “Please” she repeats softer. “I just… I need to go. I will notify the Clave first thing in the morning. But right now I–”

 

“Miss Branwell, is there a problem with…” she realizes just now how this must look to the people who are still suspicious of John and his unexpected return. 

 

“No! Not at all!” she rushes to say. “I promise it’s nothing like that. It’s just... a friend of mine is in trouble and I must go right now” is the best she can say. 

 

The two guards share a look before letting her go. 

 

Even though she’s not thinking about the Institute, she sort of expects to be there when she opens her eyes again. Instead, she appears in a little alley in Manhattan. The difference between the dark silent view she had a second ago and the loud and bright New York astounds her for a second. It’s almost midnight here and yet people are still coming and going. 

 

Once she’s in front of her actual destination she starts to think that it might have been a bad idea. She didn’t even call or sent a fire message. She’s just gonna be an inconvenience. She should just– 

 

“Lydia?” One day she’s gonna start to be weirded out about Alec’s power of appear just in the right moment, but today is not that day. 

 

He looks different from the last time she saw him, still with battle scars and a broken relationship. Now, his hair is shorter and his eyes are full of life. Magnus is right by his side, holding his hand and looking at her with curiosity. 

 

“Hi.” She doesn’t know what to say. ‘My life is sort of falling apart and I was hoping you’d tell me what to do’? ‘Remember when you told me I could come to you if I had a problem? I have a problem’? 

 

Lydia doesn’t have any siblings, but when Alec hugs her tight and whispers a worried “is everything okay?”, she feels what can only be described as brotherly love. 

 

She just nods. They are still Shadowhunters, so she knows what he’s really asking is ‘is anyone injured or dead?’ “Yeah, I just... needed air.”

 

“So you came all the way from Idris at– what’s the time difference? five hours? So at five a.m.”

 

“Yes?”

 

“Bullshit.” 

 

“Alexander, don’t be rude!” Magnus steps in and kisses her cheek. “It’s so nice to see you, dear. Let’s go inside, we will make you some tea.” 

 

The apartment looks different too, she can clearly see Alec’s touch into the place; his bow is by the door, the ugly blue blanket that Isabelle knitted for him is decorating one of the couches, the pictures that used to be in his bedroom (mostly of Izzy, Jace and Max) are now in a wall next to others of the two of them and a few of Magnus in different times and places. Also, last time the curtains were a bright fuchsia and now they are Alec’s favorite color. 

 

“Please, make yourself comfortable. I’m gonna go make that tea” Magnus smiles at her softly and disappears to to kitchen. She knows he could actually do it with magic, so she appreciates that he’s trying to give her and Alec space to talk alone.

 

“Are you wearing pajamas?” Alec breaks the silence.

 

“Yeah. I kinda came in a rush.” She tries to say it humorously, not with the best results. 

 

“What’s wrong?” he sits on the couch and invites her to do the same. “Is it John? Did you guys have a fight?” 

 

“I… no. I mean yes. Well we didn’t fight. I just– It’s… complicated. Everything is just fucked up.” She can feel the air getting out of her lungs and the tears getting out of her eyes.

 

Alec’s arms surround her “shhhh, it's okay, it's okay. Let it go.”

They stay like that, her tears wetting his shirt while she holds onto him like he's the only real thing she knows. She cries and cries until she doesn’t feel like she’s drowning anymore. Alec takes her hands between his “do you want to tell me what’s wrong?” The words are trapped in her throat. Screaming desperately to get out. Crawling her insides. But she’s paralyzed. She just can’t do it. “Tell me what you need, Lydia. I’ll do anything.”

 

“Sleep” the answer comes immediately. This is not the first night she spends locked in the bathroom trying to calm herself. 

 

“Alright. There’s a spare bedroom, you can stay as long as you need, okay? I mean it. And whatever this is we will find a way to make it better, I promise.” She gives him a smile full of gratitude. 

 

Alec doesn’t let her hand go while he guides her to the kitchen, where Magnus has been politely pretending to be busy. “Feeling better?” he gives her a sweet look.

 

“Yes, thank you. I just…” 

 

“It’s okay, darling. No need to explain…” his eyes find their intertwined hands and Lydia wonders if it bothers him, if she being here, so close to Alec, is a reminder of the times their relationship was almost over. “Are you staying with us tonight?”

 

She nods lightly “just tonight, I really don’t want to bother you guys.”

 

“Oh don’t be ridiculous, dear! You are our friend. If there’s anything we can do to help we will do it.” There’s genuine concern and affection in his words and it makes her feel a little bit better. “Are you hungry? I could make you something–” Alec fake coughs besides her. “Fine. Alexander could make you something since he’s no fun and doesn’t let me experiment in the kitchen anymore.”

 

He rolls his eyes but stills smiles fondly at Magnus “putting insanely amounts of honey on everything doesn’t count as experiment.”

 

“It added flavour!”

 

“It was gross.”

 

“As I said, no fun.” Lydia laughs at their bickering that makes them look more and more like an old married couple.

 

“It’s okay guys, actually I just really want to sleep.” 

 

“I can help with that.” Magnus gets up and takes a little bottle out of a cabinet. He pours whatever it is into a cup and handles it to her. She gives him a questioning look. “It’s a sleeping potion.”

 

“I don’t think that’s necessary–”

 

“I don’t want to be rude sweetheart, but when was the last time you got a full night of peaceful sleep?” She doesn’t answer, not because she can’t remember but because she can pinpoint the exact moment when she started having trouble sleeping and the answer terrifies her. 

 

“It’s fine” Alec gives her hand a reassuring squeeze “we all get bad nights… I promise it will help.”

 

“What’s on it?” she probably sounded less aggressively untrusting in her head but if so, neither of them seem to mind. 

 

“Nature is the world’s oldest warlock, my dear… It’s mostly medicinal herbs and just a little hint of actual magic”. She nods and drinks the potion hoping it makes the way to tomorrow a little more pleasant. 

 

It does. Lydia barely makes it to the bed before she’s deeply asleep. No dreams, no waking up in the middle of the night, no panic. Nothing. Nothing is good. 

 

By the time she wakes up it seems like she slept for a whole day. Which is not that far from reality, considering the clock on the nightstand says it’s almost noon.  _ Shit. It’s almost noon. _

 

“Hey! Slept well?” Alec greets her from the living room. 

 

“Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck! I need to go back to Idris and explain why I ran off like a crazy person in the middle of the night and why am I not working right now and– clothes! I can’t just–”

 

“Lydia, breathe! Calm yourself. I sent a fire message to Idris this morning saying you were needed here for at least a day. Also I asked Clary for some clothes for you and I’m taking the day off.” 

 

“Oh.” She lets out a sigh of relief “thank you.”

 

“You’re welcome. I wasn’t going to let you get fired… Also, after last night I think you’re not ready yet to get back to Idris. No–” he interrupts her before she even opens her mouth “we don’t need to talk about it right now. First, let’s put some food in your body. I know you get cranky if you don’t eat breakfast.”

 

“That’s not true!” Alec arches an eyebrow. “Oh, fuck you, Lightwood.” They both laugh and  _ oh Angel how much she has missed this. _

 

Alec, being the actual mother hen he is, after hearing her last meal had been almost 24 hours ago, unsurprisingly presents her an insanely amount of food that she’s too concentrated on eating to listen fully to whatever he’s saying.

 

“–so apparently they can’t cohabit that much time without something catastrophic happening so now they’re having one day long meetings every six months.”

 

“Huh?” her mouth is full but Alec doesn’t judge her bad manners. 

 

“High Warlocks. They have a meeting today. Magnus is in Mikonos for the day.” 

 

“Oh. That sounds like fun.” He pours her a steaming cup of dark coffee, just like the old days. “No, thank you” Alec looks at her like if another head had just randomly grown from her neck. “What?”

 

“You don’t want coffee? You?”

 

“I’m not  _ that _ much of a fan.” 

 

“Lydia, one time you punched me because I drank the last bit of coffee.”

 

“I was tired!”

 

“You once called coffee, and I quote, ‘the reason I live’”

 

“Well… I’m not in the mood now…”

 

“One time you went out to get coffee in the actual middle of the night…”

 

“I–”

 

“There was a storm outside.”

 

“Y–”

 

“You said that for that kind of coffee you’d kill a man, so a storm was noth–”

 

“I think I’m pregnant!”

 

Absolute silence fills the room, it crushes her bones. She feels her heart beating erratically inside her chest, loud and afraid. 

 

“Oh.” Is all Alec manages to say.

 

“Oh?”

 

“Well… Um– that explains the coffee…” Lydia snorts because that’s honestly the most ridiculous reaction someone could have. “Sorry. I just– I don’t know what’s the appropriate response to this…”

 

“Neither do I” she huffs. 

 

Alec seems to need another moment to process the news. He opens and closes his mouth a couple of times, before speaking again. “You said you  _ think _ you’re pregnant. You haven’t tested it?”

 

“No… It’s not like there’s drugstores in Idris and going to Medical would guarantee everybody would know by the end of the day. I couldn’t risk it.”

 

“What does John say?” Her silence seems to be enough answer. “You haven’t told him” It’s not a question but she still shakes her head. “Why?”

 

“Because… things are…”

 

“Complicated?” he completes for her.

 

“Yeah.” 

 

He looks at her while he drinks from his mug, giving her the same excruciating looks she knows he gives to files he can’t entirely understand. 

 

“Do you have…  _ symptoms _ ?” She gives him a puzzled look. “I don’t know… are your senses highlighted? Are you feeling more emotional? Odd food cravings? Weird hair growth? Do you feel stronger–? Wait no– that’s lycanthropy.” Lydia rolls her eyes.  _ Yeah, the gay guy was probably not the best choice to talk about pregnancy. _ “...are your… breasts... more sensitive?”

 

“Oh god. Nope. This conversation is over.”

 

“Is your period–?”

 

“I said  _ over _ .”

 

“I’m sorry, I just don’t know what to– how–”

 

“It’s okay, your heart is in the right place. Just don’t say  _ breasts _ or ask about my period ever again.”

 

“Alright, fair enough…” The world stays quiet for a few minutes. 

 

“What do you want to do?” Alec speaks in a soft voice. “Do you want to talk about it? Or ignore it and… I don’t know, spar or something? Or we could go for a walk… There’s an old book shop a few blocks from here I’m sure you’d like…” 

 

She meditates for a second. “I should take a pregnancy test.” 

 

“Right now?”

 

“Yeah, I need to know. The sooner the better, right?”

 

“Okay. Just– Wait a second.”

 

“Wait for wh–?” She’s not very sure what is he up to, but he leaves without saying a word and disappears into the hallway. He returns two minutes later and gestures her to follow him. 

 

He guides her to a bathroom that must be as big as half of her whole apartment. The shower is running, leaving the room steamy and with a subtle scent of lavender. 

 

“Alec, what–?”

 

“I don’t want to overstep here, but why don’t you let me go buy the test while you stay here and take a shower? I think it might help” 

 

Lydia frowns in confusion “how’s that going to help?”

 

“Well… I think what you need right now is to stop thinking about it. Sometimes you need some perspective to find a solution…”

 

“No offense, but no amount of perspective or soap is going to make the fact that I might have a human growing inside of me right now go away” she knows her voice it's getting higher with every word that comes out of her mouth, but it’s not like she can help it. Honestly, just saying it out loud makes her heart beat like it wants to get escape from her chest.

 

“I know… But it’s not about that, isn’t it?” Lydia gives him a surprised look. “Not  _ just _ about that” he corrects himself.

 

“How–”

 

“I might not understand fully you straight people, but expecting a child from the love of your life, even if unplanned, should be good news. Especially since that love was thought to be dead…” She wonders when did the guy who couldn’t admit –and yet not quite hide– he was in love with another man became so perceptive. “It’s okay, we don’t have to talk about it right now. But I still think you deserve five minutes of not thinking. I would normally suggest alcohol but given the circumstances…” he vaguely points at her stomach in the most awkward way.  _ Ah, there he is, that’s more like Alec. _ “Was it a bad idea? Magnus put something in the water that makes it more relaxing and I thought it might help but if you don’t–”

 

“No, no! It was a great idea. I think it might be what I need. Thank you.” Before she has time to ask if buying a pregnancy test for her isn’t trespassing some kind of unspoken rule about the boundaries of their friendship, Alec has already left her alone with her thoughts.

 

She gets undressed and lets the hot water run over her skin. She stays there, unmoving, with her eyes closed, until she can no longer tell apart where her body ends and where the water begins. She focuses on the hypnotic sound of the drops raining down, soothing her heavy breathing. 

 

Slowly, the tension of her shoulders starts to disappear and her mind stops running around. 

 

Time passes, she’s not sure how much, but her fingers are wrinkled and her soul feels lighter by the time she gets out. She stays there for just a moment, looking at her naked reflection. And for the first time in weeks, she doesn’t feel like her head is gonna explode. 

 

She takes her time braiding her hair the way she likes it and putting on fresh clothes before finally deciding to leave the warm embrace of the bathroom. 

 

Lydia finds Alec putting away some groceries in the kitchen. “Better?” he asks once he sees her standing by the door.  

 

“Yeah. Thank you so much.” 

 

“It’s no problem” he smiles at her reassuringly. “I got you something” he puts the groceries on the counter and shows her a big carton of mint and chocolate ice cream. She’s about to express how touched she is because he remembered her favorite ice cream flavour when he takes out a massive bottle of cherry soda –also her favorite, but like, that’s a whole fucking gallon of it–. “I figured you’d need this.”

 

“Uh… why?”

 

“That’s how you take these, right?” he handles her a bag that must contain at least five different pregnancy tests.

 

“What the fuck” she mumbles. “Alec, did you went crazy?”

 

“The lady at the store said I shouldn’t take just one because sometimes they’re not a hundred percent accurate, but then if I took two one could have been positive and one negative so that wouldn’t have helped… Then it kinda escalated because I didn’t know which one was better so I just bought one of each. I didn’t even know there were so many brands... But you know… better safe than sorry.” 

 

Lydia doesn’t know if she should laugh or facepalm. “Oh Alec, you gigantic awkward puppy” she’s actually grateful, but the mental image of a 6’3 man in black buying every pregnancy test available kinda just because, is too hilarious to pass on. “Alright, give me that soda.” 

 

Twenty minutes later, a carton of ice cream and almost half of the monstrosity down, she’s shaking. She wants to attribute it to the fact that she just chugged the amount of sugar she consumes on a whole week, but she has to face the truth. 

 

“Hey… You’ll be fine. You’re Lydia Freaking Branwell. You kick councilmen's asses on a daily basis and you can throw knives from thirty feet. This is just… peeing on a stick.” She laughs softly even though an instinctive part of her wants to curl in a ball and cry. “Do you want to be alone? I could go…” Lydia shakes her head. She’s not sure if she could do it if she was completely alone. “Okay… Then I’ll be right here.” Alec kisses her forehead in his usual big brother manner, and even if it’s just a little, it makes her feel better.  

 

She’s desperate to know if she’s pregnant or not, yet, the idea terrifies her so much that she actually takes the time to read every single one of the instructions on every single one of the boxes. Spoiler alert, they’re all basically the same: pee on the stick, wait for two minutes, cry. Two lines yes, one line no. 

 

The whole process is not a big deal, to be honest. But waiting two minutes for a life changing answer? That’s pure torture. And yet again, once the eternal two minutes are up, she’s too scared to check. 

 

Ironically, the one person who has always made her feel braver whenever she feels fear, is back in Idris probably confused about why his wife left in the middle of the night.

 

She takes a deep breath.

 

Two red lines mock her. 

 

She wants to cry. 

 

All of the other tests say negative. She double checks.

 

She still wants to cry. 

 

Or scream. Or laugh. 

 

She cleans up and gets out of the bathroom still without knowing how to react. 

 

“Are you okay?” Alec’s voice sounds like a distant echo.

 

“I… Yeah. I think so.” 

 

“Are you…”

 

“Nope.”

 

“Oh. That’s… good?”

 

“Yeah, good. It’s good.” She’s talking more to herself than to him. She knows she must look like she’s in a trance and that it’s probably worrying Alec, but her face is incapable of work regularly right now.

 

“Hey, why don’t we go for a walk? I think some fresh air will help.” Lydia nods and before she can give a proper response he has already taken her outside of the apartment. 

 

They walk for a while until they reach a small park filled with spring flowers. They sit in front of a pond and just stay there, enjoying the afternoon sunshine and the silence in company.

 

She’s not sure how long they stay without talking, but Alec patiently waits until her brain catches up with the rest of her body. 

 

“Holy shit” she says once it happens. 

 

Alec gives her a soft look and passes an arm around her shoulders. “So… How are you feeling?”

 

“Honestly? Relieved. And then bad because I’m relieved. I know there’s supposed to be a part of me that should feel at least a little disappointed, but there’s not. It couldn’t be a worse time for me to be pregnant… Am I being too cold?” 

 

“No, of course not. If it’s a bad time, then I’d say it’s pretty natural to be relieved.” It doesn’t exactly help to calm the uneasiness on the pit of her stomach. “Do you want to talk about it?” She gives him a confused look. “Why is it such a bad time? Why can’t you talk to your own husband about this?” 

 

Rationally, she knows she needs to say it out loud, get it out of her chest once and for all. Of course, irrationally, she needs to ask Alec for one more thing. “I know it’s weird but I need you to tell me something about you that makes you look like a bad person because what I’m gonna tell you it’s going to make me look like a complete asshole.”

 

“Uh…” he hesitates for a moment, struggling to find the words. “Remember the  _ offer _ Camille made me?” She nods, it’s not something easy to forget. “Well… I had been telling myself that the only reason I agreed was so I could trap her, that there was no part of me that would do something so awful to the man I love.  But– Camille was smart. She would have known if I was blantaly lying to her… Which means that, even if microscopic and even if now I don’t feel like that, there  _ was _ a part of me that wanted to take away Magnus’ immortality.”

 

Heavy silence sits with them for a minute.

 

“Alright” she calms herself before starting. “For years, all I wanted was John to be back with me, but now that he’s actually back I… don’t know if I can deal with it. I redesigned my life without him, I have a career, I’m halfway through being part of the Council, I’m doing important work. Do you know how hard it has been to get where I am?  And now apparently we’re moving back to Lisbon and I’m just supposed to throw away all of it? I know it’s awful, because he’s been through so much, and he needs to recover and that I’m being selfish. But I just– I can’t do it.” She covers her face because she can’t control her tears or her words anymore “I can’t be his wife.”

 

There. She said it. She was wrong; saying it out loud didn’t help at all. She still feels like the worst person alive. John deserves so much better, not this cold, selfish, unloving heart that can’t stay with him when he needs her the most.

 

“Do you love him?” 

 

The question takes her by surprise. “Yes, of course I love him.”  _ It would be easier if I didn’t  _ she thinks bitterly. 

 

“Listen, you know I’m no relationship expert, and I’m not gonna bullshit you and tell you that love solves everything; but if I have learnt something, is that as long as there’s love you can work things out. You only need one more thing.”

 

“What?”

 

“A magical charm” he replies sarcastically. “You’ve been married before, you should know this… Communication, Lydia. Talk to him. Tell him all of this.”

 

“No! I can’t do that! It’s bad enough that I’m feeling this way, but telling him? It’d break his heart. I can’t do that to him, not after all he’s been through...”

 

“So what are you gonna do? Just suck it up and give up? Settle down for a life you don’t want, knowing you will regret it?”

 

“...Yes.”

 

Alec gives her a skeptical look. “That was my plan, you know? I was ready to settle for a life that would have made me miserable, but then... someone told me I deserved to be happy…” He smiles at her “You deserve to be happy too, Lydia. More than anyone I know.”

 

“You say it like it’s easy… What am I supposed to do? Go to him and tell him ‘hey honey, guess who has the worst wife ever’? He’s going to leave me…”

 

“Why? Because you’re proud of what you’ve accomplished? Because you moved on instead of letting the grief consume you? I don’t think that qualifies you as ‘the worst wife ever’... And he would never leave you, he looks at you like you’re the most precious thing he has ever seen. Trust me, talking to him won’t be the end of the world.”

 

She doesn’t respond because she’s not sure how to, so she just gives him a small nod.

 

“Dammit. You’re making The Face”

 

“What face?”

 

“The Face, in caps. Jace invented that face. You’re just smiling and nodding and then you’ll do whatever you like…” She wants to reply that it’s not true, but that is exactly what she is doing.  “Okay, look. The second we weren’t in danger anymore, Magnus and I got back together. We pretended like nothing had ever happened, like the last months hadn’t been incredibly painful, like we weren’t hurt. It worked well for about a month… Then we realized that with all the resentment and pain and guilt we had inside we were never gonna be able to heal. So we had to just… take it all out. It was brutal, I’m not gonna lie. We had to say things that  weren’t easy for neither of us. I finally got to tell him my side of the story, which didn’t make me feel less guilty, but Magnus understood my reasons and honestly forgave me. We stopped tiptoeing about it and actually talked about his immortality… As I said, not easy. But after the talk was over, we sort of… found peace, we got a clean start.”

 

She looks at him with surprise “And now? Are you guys okay?”

 

“Yeah. We’re not perfect, but I love him everyday a little more and I know he loves me the same. And we try to demonstrate it as much as we can, we go on dates and give each other flowers and do all that cheesy stuff we did when we first started dating… Sometimes you have to destroy in order to construct something better.”

 

She thinks of a moment and sighs “you’re right. I know I need to talk to him but it’s just… I can’t see a possible happy outcome for this. Either I deprive him of the environment he needs to recover or I give up on my career.  We’d need some sort of miracle…”

 

“A miracle? Lydia, you thought you’d never see the love of your life ever again and now he’s at home with you! Somehow he made his way back to you... So if there’s someone who can pull off a miracle, it’s you two.”

 

She huffs a laugh and wipes away the few tears that were still rolling through her face. 

 

“Do you feel better?” Alec gives her a warm smile. 

 

“Yeah… Thanks for talking some sense into me.” 

 

“Hey, that’s what friends are for, right?” 

 

“Still. Thank you for being here” she kisses his cheek. 

 

“Are you gonna talk to John?”

 

“Yes, I need to tell him–”

 

“Tell me what?” 

 

Lydia swears her heart gets out of her chest in a cartoonish way. She involuntary checks on Alec, to see if she sees him too or if she’s just imagining it. But no, John seems to be there, in the flesh, looking equally confused and hurt at the same time. 

 

“Hey, honey. I– How– We were just– Uh– What are you doing here?”

 

“You left in the middle of the night, I was worried…”

 

“Right…” this day has been such a rollercoaster that she had completely forgotten her escapist act from last night. “I’m so sorry, I– wait, how did you find me?”

 

“I went to the Institute but they said they hadn’t seen you, but since Alec had taken the day off you would probably be with him… I went to the address they gave me, but no one was there. Luckily Magnus showed up before I left.” Just then, Lydia notices Magnus standing behind John, having what it seems to be a mental conversation with Alec.

 

“I had a feeling you might be here, Alexander likes to come here when he’s upset…” She and Alec share a confused look with the warlock. “You forgot to take out the trash, darling.”

 

“What? Why are you– Oh.”

 

Lydia catches up on Magnus’ words a second later. “Oh.” She looks at John “you saw the pregnancy tests.” 

 

“Yes.”

 

“I can explain– I just– I panicked…”

 

“Yes, I understand that, my love, but why didn’t you tell me? And I know it’s not the only secret you’re keeping from me… So please, just tell me what’s going on.”

 

Lydia takes a deep breath. She has to do this. She  _ needs _ to do this. “Could you guys…” 

 

“Yeah, of course…” Alec stands up, giving her one last reassuring look before he takes Magnus’ hand and they both walk away from them. 

 

John sits besides her, tension noticeable on his body. “So?”

 

For some reason she starts to think about the day her mother died, how no one had the guts of talking to her directly, and how she had to beg for someone to just tell her the truth instead of sugar coating it. “I don’t want to move to Lisbon” she doesn’t circle around. 

 

“That’s it?”

 

“Yes… Look I know–” She expects questions, tears, anger,  _ anything _ . But instead she’s surprised by her husband’s strong arms surrounding her, full of love.

 

“Oh thank the Angel.”

 

“What do you mean–?”

 

“I thought you were gonna leave me.”

 

“What?! No, I’d never… I just got you back…” She caress his cheek, because she still has trouble believing he’s real. “I’m so sorry I made you feel like that... I never wanted to hurt you. It’s just that… After you  _ were gone  _ I was absolutely devastated. I thought I would never stop crying, but then I started to focus on my work and slowly I began to feel better. I thought that you would want me to keep on with my life…”

 

“You were right, that’s what I wanted. And you did so good… I’ve been researching on you, I hope you don’t mind. You’ve done so much for different institutes around the world, you’ve helped with the creation of new laws for fair trials, and now you’re on your way of becoming the youngest member of the Council… That’s impressive… and sexy” she laughs, the way she only can do when John is around. “I can’t take away that from you.”

 

Lydia wants to cry again, because she doesn’t deserve this man. “After all you’ve been through, you need to go back home, with your family. You need to heal.”

 

“Home? My love, when will you understand?  _ You are my home _ .” He kisses her lips softly, like he has done many other times, but it still makes her feel like there’s a million butterflies on her stomach, just like the first time. “When I was taken they… did things to my brain... I couldn’t know what was real and what was not, or if it was day or night. The only thing that kept me sane was the thought of you. There were days where I couldn’t remember my own name, but I never forgot the sound of your voice. I gave up on thinking I would get out of there alive, but I felt thankful that at least I got to be with you before I died…”

 

“Te amo… I’m so sorry I didn’t look for you… I–”

 

“Please stop blaming yourself, my love. There was no way you could have known… What matters is that it's over now and that we’re together. You're everything I need. So if you want to stay in Idris, we will.”

 

“Are you sure?”

 

“A hundred percent. But I need you to promise me two things.”

 

“Of course. Anything. Tell me.”

 

“Don’t keep things from me anymore, please. I understand the situation is… unexpected… But we need to trust each other.”

 

“Yes, I promise. No more secrets.”

 

“In that case, there’s something else you should know… No, it’s not what you’re thinking, I’m not pregnant” Lydia shakes her head but giggles. Angel, she missed his ridiculous sense of humor. “I don't want you to think we're staying in Idris just because of you... One of the reasons I think going back to Lisbon wouldn’t be a good idea it’s because I believe they would eventually want me to go back into the field and I can’t do that… I can’t go back to be a shadowhunter. Not after… all. Even the thought of being near blades makes me nervous…” 

 

She takes his hand and draws soothing circles in his palm. “It's okay… You don't have to do anything you don't want to do…” 

 

“Although I wouldn't know what to do… All I've ever been is a shadowhunter…”

 

“There's plenty of options… You could work with me–” John wrinkles his nose in the way he always does when he doesn’t like something. “Alright, something else… I've always thought Alicante could use a coffee shop or a tattoo parlor or a flower shop…” He laughs. “No? Okay… How about The Academy?”

 

“Really?”

 

“Yeah, I think you'd be a great teacher. You know about history more than anyone I know, and you're patient and kind…” John doesn't say anything but seems to be thinking about it. “Or you could work at the library or in medical… You don't need to choose now, we will figure it out.” 

 

They smile at each other and stay huddled together, watching the spring sun paint the sky in oranges and pinks. 

 

“What's the second thing?”

 

“Hmm?”

 

“You said you needed me to promise you two things… What's the second one?”

 

“Oh. Can we move out? Your apartment is too small… I feel claustrophobic. And I keep bumping into things. I've already broken three lamps.” 

 

Lydia laughs softly “Sure, we can move out.” She thinks about a house with a big backyard to grow plants and lots of light, so John never feels trapped ever again. 

 

“Great.”

 

“I need to ask you something” she gets up and picks up a little blue flower growing in a bush. She gets in one knee and takes her husband's hand “John Monteverde–”

 

“Meu amor, you know we're already married, right?”

 

“Shh, don't interrupt me.” She makes a mental reminder to thank Alec for inspiring her (and for everything else). “John Monteverde, would you like to go on a date with me?”

  
“Absolutely.” 


	4. Summer (+Autumn)

In his almost 27 years living in New York, Alec has never felt like this. Like the city is actually trying to murder him.

 

Okay, he’s being dramatic.

 

But it has seriously come to a point where he starts to wonder if he could convince Simon to turn him into a vampire. How hard could it be? He’s pretty sure he’s still intimidated by him.

 

It wouldn’t be so bad; living in the night, having super speed all the time… He already wears mostly black, so that’s covered. The whole drinking blood thing isn’t inviting, but he figures he would do the same thing he does whenever he has the misfortune of having to eat Izzy’s food (which is just swallow it without thinking about it while praying for forgiveness to whatever deity he pissed off and was punishing him and his poor taste buds).

 

But frankly, the absolute best part of being a vampire would be not being able to feel the hellish heat wave that’s been hitting the country like some kind of karmic joke from life. As if life was saying “oh, so there’s no more giant demonic threats, or crazy world dominators wannabes? Your family is finally safe and you’re happy? Okay, okay, okay, cool, cool, cool, cool. Here’s something that will make you feel like you’re on fire all the time and will make people smell like butts the whole day. Now go fuck yourselves.”

 

He wipes off a sweatdrop from his forehead and tries to pay attention to the meeting he’s supposed to be leading.

 

“As you can see, if the vampires keep threatening our territory we will have a war in our hands, and we know the Clave won’t be happy about it” the New Jersey alpha speaks in a firm voice that almost makes him forget how awfully young she is.

 

Alec wonders what will Magnus think about his wonderful plan of becoming a creature of the night. He probably won’t be happy about it, but if anything it’s his fault. He’s the one who was like “no Alec, I can’t put a cooling spell on you, it might freeze your heart”. Pffff. Ridiculous.

 

“Am I boring you, Shadowhunter?” Alpha Hale is staring at him with a stern expression on her face.

 

“No, of course not. My apologies…” He clears his throat “I think we can come up with an agreement. The New York Institute could offer mediation with the vampires, and in return your pack must give your word to help the New York pack with…” Crap. What was the pack asking for again? Was summer actually melting his brain?

 

Luckily for him, Luke steps in. “We’re having trouble with some rogue wolves. We know you have dealt with that in the past. Quite remarkably I might add…”

 

“Alright, we can-” But Alpha Hale gets interrupted by a knocking on the door.

 

Isabelle doesn’t wait for an answer “I’m so sorry, I need my brother for a moment” she says in with a nervous expression.

 

He gives the werewolves an apologetic look before following her outside. “What happened? What’s wrong?”

 

“We just got a fire message from John. It’s Lydia. She’s in Medical, on the North Wing…”

 

“That means–”

 

“Yeah.” Before he can start panicking Izzy (Angel bless her) already has an answer for all his questions. “I asked for a portal, so we can go right now. Jace and Clary are on a mission, but they said they’ll go when they come back. I called Magnus but he didn’t answer…”

 

“He’s with a client in Queens, he will probably finish in an hour or so.”

 

“We will leave a message, then. He can come once he’s done. Now, let’s go.”

 

“Wait, I can’t go. I’m in a meeting. I need to close this deal.”

 

“Shit. Okay, what if I stay in the meeting? I know there needs to be a representative from the Institute, but it doesn’t need to be you, right? I’m sure Luke can fill me in.”

 

“Yeah, but I can’t–”

 

“Alec, go. Lydia needs you way more than she needs me.” She gives him a reassuring smile. “Go.”

 

“Alright. Thanks, Iz”. He kisses her cheek and starts walking as fast as he can to the portal.

 

The weather in Alicante isn’t better, but right now the infernal heat is the last of his worries.

 

The Medical building isn’t that big, but he feels like he turns around uncountable corners and walks through infinite hallways until he finds Lydia’s room.

 

John is talking to a nurse outside with an unusual frown on his face. John Monteverde is one of the nicest men Alec has known in his life, he has that kind of personality that just naturally fits with everybody. But for some reason (probably because he almost married his wife. Most definitely because he almost married his wife) he has always been distant with Alec. Like if he were always expecting Alec to stab him in the back.

 

Which is why it is surprising, almost shocking, to find himself being hugged by him. “Thank you for coming.”

 

“Of course… How is she?” is all he’s able to come up with.

 

John just smiles. “You should ask her yourself... She’s awake.”

 

“Are you sure? I could see her another time–”

 

“Yes, yes. She’s tired, but I’m sure she’ll be happy to see you. Go.”

 

He enters cautiously, afraid to disturb the peaceful ambiance. The white room is filled with summer sunlight, making Lydia’s blond curls look like liquid gold. He thinks for a second about the princesses of Izzy’s childhood fairytales.

 

Lydia’s hair is uncharacteristically messy, her forehead is glistening with sweat, her eyebags are prominent, and yet she’s wearing the happiest smile.

 

“Hi.”

 

“Hey” he closes the distance and hugs her tight. “How are you feeling?”

“Sweaty. And exhausted. But I just pushed another human out of my body, so I think that’s normal” she jokes.

 

Alec gives her a bright smile. “Congratulations. I’m sure you guys are gonna be great parents…”

 

“Thank you, I hope so… Do you want to meet her?” She looks down at the tiny bundle of blankets she’s holding.

 

He nods softly before taking her in his arms. The baby has John’s curly dark brown hair and his nose, but otherwise she looks just like Lydia. “Hi, Little Bee.” He calls her by the name they all used during Lydia’s pregnancy, when they didn’t know the gender and couldn’t decide on a name.

 

“Alec, meet April. April, that’s your Uncle Alec, he’s a little weird, but we love him anyway.”

 

“April...” he repeats.

 

“It’s when–”

 

“You found John.”

 

“Yeah… We thought it would be fitting” Lydia doesn’t loose her smile.

 

“It’s perfect. She’s perfect.” April makes a small sound as if she agreed with the statement. “Aren’t you? Oh yes you are” he coos. She takes his finger with her tiny tiny hand and Alec thinks he might melt. He rocks her softly “April, we’re gonna have so much fun together. We can go to the zoo, and the museum, and the park, and the shooting range...”

 

Lydia arches an eyebrow “you keep joking like that and I’m gonna regret naming you her godfather.”

 

It takes Alec five whole seconds to realize what’s she’s saying.  


“Wait what? Really?”   


“Only if you want to.”   


“Of course I want to… I’m so honored… But I thought you were gonna pick one of John’s brothers.”   


Lydia moves in the bed to leave him space to sit beside her, much like that time in the Institute after Hodge attacked her and she gave him the push he needed to dare to love Magnus, much like those nights in the longest winter of his life in this same city. She rests her head on his shoulder and speaks softly. “Having you in my life, having your friendship, your support… has been so important to me. You have been there for me for the good and the bad and for the times I’ve felt the loneliest. I feel very lucky to have you in my life, and I want her to have the same privilege.” 

  
Alec has no words. There are not enough words to express how touched and happy he feels. He wants to reply how she saved his life, how thanks to her he is now engaged to the love of his life, how if it hadn’t been for her he would never have came back from the dark hole he was in when he came to Idris. He wants to promise to protect April and to love her as much as he loves her mother. 

  
“Also you didn’t kill me when I went knockin on your door at 3 a.m. demanding you made me caramel fudge” she laughs.   
  
Instead of telling her all he’s feeling he just says “I’d make you fudge anytime, any day.”

  
  
Lydia smiles, understanding –he hopes– the sentiment behind his words. “I know” she says and kisses his cheek. 

  
They stay side by side, huddled together despite the heat. April is fast asleep in his arms and he thinks about how he’d like to tell the Lydia he met a couple of years ago, the woman who –just like him– had lost all hope, that one day she’d have this.

  
  
April is fast asleep in his arms, not knowing she’s the breathing proof that life is full of surprises, and she makes him wonder what will life bring to him.

  


**+Autumn**

 

Alec remembers fondly that hot summer afternoon and smiles thinking about how he would never had thought _this_ was what life had planned for him.

 

Alec remembers fondly that hot evening and smiles. He knows now what life was getting ready for him.

 

“¡April, espérame!” Rafael runs after the girl, who giggles mischievously. “You didn’t wait for me!”

 

“You were too slow!”

 

“¡No es cierto!”

 

“C’mon kids, don’t fight… Don’t you want to build a castle?”

 

“Yes!” they answer in equally excited voices.

 

“Will you help us, Uncle Magnus?”

 

“Well of course, my dear. We will make the biggest castle.”

 

“As big as Daddy?” Rafael asks. “That’d be reaaaaaally tall.”

 

“Yes, as big as your Daddy.” Magnus, of course, doesn’t miss the opportunity and turns around to wink flirty at him.

 

“But Uncle Alec is a giant…” April seems skeptical about making such a big castle. From the seashore, where he’s holding Max so he can splash around the water, John snorts loudly.

 

The scene is ridiculously perfect; the soft sun giving everything a golden glow, the quiet blue sea, the children’s sweet laughs. Alec sometimes still has a hard time believing this is real. Believing this is his life.

 

“What are you thinking about?” Lydia sits next to him.

 

“Us.” She gives him a questioning look. “Do you think that if we went back in time and told our past selves, the ones that were about to get married, that someday they would have this… that they would be this happy, they would believe us?”

 

“Oh, absolutely not. They’d lock us up” they laugh together. They watch John and Max join the others in their building activities and Rafael and April laugh because Magnus is making funny faces.

 

“This is it” Lydia tells him in a whisper. “The happiness I told you you deserved” she smiles. “Do you believe me now?”

 

Alec doesn’t hesitate.

 

“I do.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it. I really hope you enjoyed it. Thank you all for the kudos and comments
> 
> See you around!

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to [WhoCaresAboutANameAnyway](http://archiveofourown.org/users/WhoCaresAboutANameAnyway/pseuds/WhoCaresAboutANameAnyway) my wonderful beta and my personal cheerleader, for putting up with my perfectionist ass.


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